I did NOT clean up a giant round puddle of melted ice pops off my daughter's carpet. Because she did NOT steal an entire box of ice pops in the middle of the night, not realizing that her room is not a freezer.
I did NOT take the day off of work Friday so that I could dump my kids off at school/daycare and hightail my ass to New Jersey to spend the weekend with my skanky friends.
I did NOT spend nearly two hours driving around suburban New Jersey with Melissa trying to find a liquor store, and we did NOT end up at two different non-liquor store locations before finding an ACTUAL liquor store. We also did NOT spend $85 on alcohol in one trip. We most certainly did NOT consume nearly every drop of said alcohol in one night.
I did NOT consume 5 grape jello shots in the span of 5 minutes. I also did NOT update my Facebook status in the middle of the night to read "Kelly is can not see sttraight line", because I was completely sober.
I did NOT spend my Saturday night with 20 of the best bitches alive on the geriatric short bus. And we did NOT become involved in a bar brawl where 20 ginormous bouncers received the bat signal to come out of the wood work to eject drunken, stupid boys who were all up in our bizness.
I did NOT have the most awesome weekend ever, with the best bitches ever, having the most fun EVER.